Don't Get Caught Up in Early Wins and Losses

No college scouts are watching 5th-grade games, and no one will remember that undefeated 2nd-grade season. Throughout my career, I saw it year in and year out: parents and coaches living and dying with every pass, tackle, goal, or close miss, ultimately putting undue pressure on kids to perform before they've even truly had a chance to fall in love with the game.

The intense focus on winning, especially at young ages, entices parents and coaches to skip developmental steps. We pigeonhole kids as attackers or defenders before they've had a chance to actually experience the full breadth of the game.

I've used this clip of Stan Van Gundy in countless coaching presentations over the years: Watch here. He so adeptly describes what we see so often, even at the youngest levels of sport.

My oldest son has always been taller than most of his peers. When he first dipped his toe into basketball, I'm talking 1st or 2nd grade. From almost day one, through multiple coaches, he was immediately stationed under the basket. Rarely was he given an opportunity to dribble the ball, shoot the ball, or any of the actual fun parts of the game. His "job" was to rebound and play aggressive defense. It was hard to watch. At that age, he wasn't the most aggressive kid, and I don't think he even recognized his height advantage, let alone knew how to use it.

What he excelled at, however, was dribbling. I can still picture him at seven or eight years old, out on the patio behind our house, effortlessly weaving the basketball through his legs: crossover, double crossover; his coordination and feel for the ball were remarkable for his age. He loved it. It was pure joy, the kind that comes from self-discovery and the freedom to explore without constraints.

Fast-forward to today: He's 6'3", nearly 200 pounds, and has become a confident and aggressive athlete. But somewhere along the way, he lost his love for basketball. He was cast in a role before he even had a chance to fall in love with the game. He was overlooked and undervalued before anyone ever gave him a real opportunity to explore who he might become on the court.

It's easy, almost instinctual, especially for naturally competitive people, to measure growth by outcomes. But actual development, whether on the field, in the classroom, or life, unfolds over a long arc.​

No one wants to lose, not even six- or seven-year-olds. However, it's crucial to examine how we contextualize results. Win or lose, each game serves as an assessment of the development process. The outcomes themselves hold little significance, if at all, until much later.​

By shifting our focus from immediate results to a long-view process of development, we allow our children the space to learn, explore, and find joy in their activities. ​

As parents, our role extends beyond sports. It's about supporting our children in all aspects of their lives, even when they choose paths that diverge from our expectations. It's about learning patience and resisting the urge to rush the process.​

Our job isn't to shield them from failure but to provide the security that our love and support aren't predicated on winning or losing, getting an A or a C, or finishing first or last. There's plenty of time to worry about results. For now, let's allow them the space to simply experience the joy of discovery and learning, whatever that may be.